I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Of course I have a pirate flag
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
