I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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