You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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