Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
