I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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