i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
