A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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