after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
