I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
