My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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