The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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