Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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