I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
