4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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