he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
