i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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