I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
