I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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