I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
