So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
