That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
