it wasn't lemon gatorade
smell my finger.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
