Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
