Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
