Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
