I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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