nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
