I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he was CRYING into my vagina
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
