He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
