based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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