the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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