We're like a lot better than the average bears
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
