Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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