my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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