I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
your like the ambassador to my penis.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
