babies were throwing up all over the place
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
