we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize