Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
