His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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