the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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