You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
