Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
