we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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