I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
