It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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