We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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