I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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