im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
