Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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