Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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