I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
