Plan B is the new Plan A
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
