dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
