Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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