You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
