Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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