Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize