There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
