so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
