Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
