I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They took my balls.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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