i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
