Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
