Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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