My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
