my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
