We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
